I was nervous about reading this volume because my teenage niece read it first, and she warned me about the cliffhanger ending. I’ve already reviewed Heartstopper: Volume One and Heartstopper: Volume Two, so check those out if you’re interested.
Despite my hesitancy, I decided it was finally time to read this volume. I’ve always felt so comforted by this series. It’s soft and sweet and fluffy. The artwork is beautiful, and the relationship between Nick and Charlie only gets better and stronger. I was surprised when I realized that this volume was delving into a lot of serious topics, such as self harm and eating disorders. I had not been expecting that, but I think they were dealt really well. I’m glad I didn’t pick this up a few weeks ago during one of my most severe depressive episodes because it probably would have only made it worse. I care so deeply about Charlie and Nick. They’re 15 and 16 years old, so I see them as practically babies. I don’t like it when they hurt.
There was a good balance between those serious topics and the fluff that we’re used to, which I thought was great. I liked that these issues were addressed and not brushed aside. I really love the growth that Nick has had in this series. He’s been on a journey of self discovery, which is to be expected as a bisexual teenager. Charlie’s journey seems to be a much harder one, and I just want the best for him. I’m eager to read the Fourth Volume. I just discovered that this is actually a webcomic, so the chapters are available online for free. I will be catching up on those from now on. I can’t wait an entire year for the next one!
I wanted to add that one of my favorite things about this volume was a very small subplot involving the two teachers who are assigned to look after the students on their Paris trip. They were the trope of a smiley one, and a grumpy one, and it worked so well. I loved the small glimpses into their relationship.
This series has wonderful rep, and a realistic insight into LGBT+ experiences on top of having genuinely loving relationships. I will always recommend it!
After finishing the first volume of Heartstopper, I was eager to continue with this series. I wrote a review about that one, so if you want to know what the series is about, check that out. This review will have some spoilers.
Before I start with the review, I wanted to say that I keep mixing up the names of the two main characters: Charlie and Nick. This is because the art style, to me, doesn’t fit their names. Charlie looks like a Nick, and Nick looks like a Charlie. This is obviously not the fault of the author/artist in any way. But it has become a problem in me trying to follow the story. I still get them mixed up!
Anyway, in this sequel, we start right where we left off. Charlie and Nick kissed for the first time, and then Nick ran off, and Charlie felt terrible about it. However, the next morning, Nick goes to talk to Charlie about what happened, and they fix their misunderstanding and decide to be with each other. When I say I squealed, I squealed. This book was full of the sweetest moments between Charlie and Nick. They’re so sappy with each other, and I absolutely loved it. I loved the way their relationship developed so naturally. I loved the awkwardness at the beginning of their relationship as well because it felt so realistic.
Most of all, I loved the way Nick took his time learning about his sexuality, and figuring out whether or not he was ready to come out. I thought it was amazing how supportive and patient Charlie was with Nick through this process.
I’m eager to read the third volume, but a little hesitant because I’ll have to wait until next year to read the fourth one. Definitely recommend this series. The art is also stunning!
You can’t tell whether people are gay by what they look like. And gay or straight aren’t the only two options.
I’ve known of Alice Oseman for quite a while. But I’ve never picked up one of her books. I know that she writes a lot of LGBT+ stories, so naturally, I was bound to read her work eventually. I’m so glad I started with this beautiful graphic novel.
Heartstopper follows Charlie and Nick, who apparently first appeared in Oseman’s debut novel Solitaire. However, I don’t think that book focuses on their love story, so I think it’s nice that she went back to not only write, but draw, their love story. Charlie is in high school in the UK, and he has a secret relationship that he’s not too happy about with a boy named Ben, who also has a girlfriend. It’s kind of a mess. It seems that Charlie is the only openly gay boy at this all boys school. One day Charlie and Nick get assigned to sit together in class, and so their friendship begins. Nick is a rugby player—I read the book and I still don’t understand the sport—and he’s straight. But as we gays know, falling for straight people is probably our biggest flaw as a community.
Anyway, I devoured this lovely story in about an hour or so. The dialogue is minimal, but it’s so good. The artwork often speaks louder than the words in this story. I loved all of the small details all throughout. It’s not in full color, only in these green shades, but it works so well. I was such a sucker for how sweet the friendship develops between Charlie and Nick. It was so pure and honest. I thought both characters were excellent, and I ended up loving them equally. The only downside of this first volume is that it ends on a bit of a cliffhanger. It’s not too terrible, but it did make me groan.
Of course, I’ve already ordered the next two volumes which are out now. And I’ve also bought Radio Silence and Loveless by the author. So, as you can see, she made a big impression on me. I will probably read Solitaire as well to see how it all started, but not until I read the other volumes. I think Alice Oseman knows how to craft a great story, and I love her art.
This competition show is all about creating big, pretty sculptures out of plants and flowers. All the competitors are nice which I love, and flowers are my favorite.
I go through periods of being completely obsessed with the sims, and then don’t care about it for a few months before becoming obsessed again. I started doing an alphabet challenge where every generation starts with a different letter. I’m only on generation B, but I’m in love with my little family. I’ve also bee watching xurbansimsx’s videos on youtube, Angie Thomas stream on youtube, and Claribelstreamsitall on twitchwhich has also been a lot of fun.
I’ve found AllBlanc TV on youtube. They put up 20-40 minute workout routines that you can do in your home. They aren’t that hard, but they are definitely a workout. I particularly like that they have countdown timers because it motivates me to keep going.
I watched the first season of Superstore in a day. I loved how light and funny it was. I could watch without having to stop everything else I was doing. Because I have a hard time only watching TV.
I’ve talked before about how I have a heard time sleeping, and usually need listen to ASMR to relax. But that doesn’t work all the time. And I have this thing where I am unconsciously tensing my muscles to the point where it hurts me. And that’s where my weighted blanket comes in to save the day. It’s only ten pounds, but it forces me to relax and eventually sleep.
For about a year or so I haven’t really been watching people talk about books on youtube like I used to. I would still watch BooksandLaLa because she’s my favorite, and the occasional video on writing, but that was all. But recently people started compiling lists of Black booktubers, and I thought, why not look some of them up. So, I did and I fell in love with booktube again. I guess maybe this whole time I just needed new people to watch, whatever. Since then I’ve also been reading more which I think is just natural when hearing about people reading and talking about books again. Some of the ones I’ve been watching is: Booked and Busy, Bookish Realm, Myonna Reads, Bowties and Books, Mina Reads, and Reading with Nori. There is a lot more, but I only wanted to list a few.
I have always loved Phoebe Waller-Bridge because Fleabag is a masterpiece. But I had never given her other show a chance. I’m so glad I did. Killing Eve follows a super terrifying and beautiful assassin named Villanelle (I mean, how perfect is the name?) and her growing infatuation, or love, for this woman named Eve. Eve has always been into female assassins, and she has been trying to track Villanelle for a while. You can imagine the tension between them. I feel like this show is written like really good f/f fanfiction, and I am here for it.
I was so hesitant to watch this show because Becky Albertalli hurt me with Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda. It’s a long story. The point is, I don’t trust the author. But I’m so glad I watched this show. Victor is a Latino boy who is trying to figure out his sexuality as he starts going to a brand new school where our beloved Simon used to attend. Victor messages Simon, and asks him for advice, and so Simon becomes Victor’s mentor. It’s such a great show. I loved it all so much.
Writing My Story
Every day, I have been writing in my story. I call it a story, but it’s a Dean/Cas Supernatural fanfiction right now. It is currently at 112k words, with my final goal being 200k words. This is a very long story, and it has not been easy to write, but I’m really enjoying it. I plan on making it an original novel after it’s done. I wanted to start it as fanfiction because it’s so much easier to jump into a new story with characters I’m so familiar with. I hope I can finish it soon, and that it has an audience that likes it as much as I do.
Artwork I Commissioned
Adding onto the previous thing, I commissioned a lovely artist to do a piece for the story I’m writing. She finished it, and it looks incredible. I just love this sweet little family. Her name is Gabby Garcia and you can find her here: https://gabester-sketch.tumblr.com/
Cookies In a Mug
I recently found this brand new invention (to me) of these little packages of cookies you can bake in a mug in the microwave. They’re from Betty Crocker, and I picked up a box that came with four individual packages. I am currently eating my last one, and I plan on buying more soon. They’re so delicious and they’re so quick to make. I love them.
It took me until now, at the age of 26, to recognize how incredible Harry Styles is. It all started when I saw the horrible movie, After, and felt angry for Harry, who was originally written as the main character. It was a trashy movie, based on a trashy book, based on an even trashier One Direction fanfiction. However, due to my rage, I decided to look up Harry Styles music, and I now love his new album, and all the songs in it. I have seen his music videos, and interviews, and Carpool Karaoke. I just love this man so much. He has such a great style, and he’s so talented, and sweet, and his smile is gorgeous. I’m so glad I realized how amazing he is.
I’ve been watching a Mexican telenovela called Como Tu No Hay 2, which is really silly and funny. It’s been super entertaining. I love that I’m not obsessed with it, so I can enjoy it for what it is and not suffer when characters break up or whatever. And, most importantly, I found a character who is exactly like my original character, Diego, who is my son.
I’ve gotten into digital drawing lately. I started it a while ago, but then stopped. I picked it back up again recently. It’s really fun for me. I’m still learning, trying to get better, but I think I’ve improved a little. Here are some examples of stuff I’ve drawn.
Rewatching The Office
How many times have I seen The Office? Probably over 100. It never gets old. It’s always awesome. And it makes me really happy to rewatch. Brings me so much comfort.
Some Good News
John Krasinski, from The Office, started a show on YouTube where he talks about good news around the world during this pandemic. It’s filled with wholesome content. I love John and I love his show. Recently, he got the entire cast of The Office to reenact Jim & Pam’s wedding dance. Always makes me cry, but good happy tears.
Office Ladies Podcast
Another thing that relates to The Office. Do you see how happy The Office makes me? This podcast is hosted by Jenna Fischer & Angela Kinsey who were Pam & Angela on the show. They’re best friends, and they have all the behind the scenes scoop on the show. They go over every episode starting from the beginning, and they have cool guests come in. I love this podcast so much. It’s perfect.
I started a new long Supernatural fanfiction. This one will be very long, and very angsty, but it’s been nice to write. I usually don’t write fics like this, so it’s a nice change. I’ve been writing it on my phone because my laptop sucks, but even then, I enjoy it. I hope when it goes up, other people will enjoy it too.
Texting My Friends
I love texting my friends and seeing how they’re doing lately. I’ve texted people that I don’t talk to as often, and it’s always so nice to catch up.
What We Do in the Shadows
This one should be higher up the list. I recently found the beauty that is What We Do in the Shadows, the movie by Taika Waititi, who is a fucking genius. I loved loved the movie. It’s full of vampires and dry humor. Then I realized there is a show by the same title, and it’s even better than the movie. So, yeah, this is my new favorite thing. It is absolutely hilarious.
Never Have I Ever
Mindy Kaling created this new Netflix show, which was so good. Mindy is my hero and she always makes amazing content. This show is about an Indian American teenager who is kind of wild but super relatable. I loved it so much. It’s so Mindy.
I just love spending more time than usual with my dogs, Shrek & Fiona. They’re both really old, and they can’t really move around as much as they used to. But working from home has given me more time to spend with them. They can get annoying, but I love them with all my heart.
I’ve always loved video games, but they’ve really come in clutch these past two months. Like many others, I’m obsessed with Animal Crossing New Horizons. I check in on my island everyday though I still don’t have cherries. Also, this past week I’ve been playing Rayman Legends with my boyfriend. The graphics are so bright and cute, and it is simply a fun game to complete.
While I love games, there are some I hate to play but love to watch other people play. Particularly battle royal games and FPSs like Warzone and Valorant. I don’t know if this is from being forced to watch my older brother play when I was younger, but I love having a stream playing even if I’m doing something else. Right now my favorites are Jordan Fisher (Book people may know him as John Ambrose in To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You on Netflix) on Twitch and Courage JD on Youtube.
The Secrets of the Zoo
So I gave in and got Disney +, and my favorite series is both The Secrets of the Zoo and The Secrets of the Zoo: Tampa. Sometime it can be really sad (cause some animals do die), but I love seeing when they healthy, and the happiness of the zoo keepers and vets interacting with the animals.
Like a lot people now, I’ve been using zoom, and I really like it. It is a lot more comforting now to talk face to face (kind of) right now. I use it with my mom, friends, even my therapist and psychologist. Which is so much better than simple phone calls. Am I the only one that has more trouble hearing on the phone than face cam?
Writing/Researching My Novel
I thought I would be reading like crazy, and writing would be hard but it is the opposite. Writing has been a relief since before I had been struggling with it. And my research for this particular novel is so much fun.
I forget sometimes how much I love music, and then when I remember I become obsessed. I will repeat three songs over and over again, one after the other, and never become bored. Right now I am loving Megan Thee Stallion’s EP “Suga”, the quarantine music Machine Gun Kelly is putting out, and Disney songs (particularly Aladdin’s “Speechless”, Moana’s “How Far I’ll Go”, and Frozen 2’s “Into the Unknown”).
Leslie Sansone’s Walking Videos
For the past week I’ve been on one of her walking videos, and I’ve been sleeping much better. I like them because they are easy enough when you haven’t been exercising, but they will still make you sweat and make you feel like you did a good workout. And, unlike a lot of workout vids, you truly don’t need any equipment to do them.
ASMR videos also help me sleep if my mind won’t shut up. Something about complete silence when trying to sleep that wakes me up completely. Some of my favorites are Peace and Saraity ASMR, Lynn Cinnamon ASMR Beauty, Silver Hare, and Soft ASMR.
Avator: The Last Airbender
I’ve never watched it before, but when Netflix up it up I forced my boyfriend to start watching it with me. And we love it. I’ve heard so much about it before that I’ve been wanting to see it, and this was the perfect opportunity.
Have you ever considered the fact that maybe the goal of life isn’t to get through it as painlessly as possible?
This is one the sweetest books I’ve ever read that features two girls falling in love.
I was intrigued by this book when I read the premise. Colorblind follows a teenager named Harper who knows the age that everyone is going to die. She sees a number on people’s foreheads, and as far as she knows, there is nothing she can do to change these numbers. Harper couldn’t prevent her mom’s death, so she doesn’t allow herself to make friends since getting attached can be painful. She has a best friend, Robbie, an older guy who has the same ability as her. They know each other’s death ages, but they won’t share it because they know no one truly wants to know when they’re going to die.
The book I co-wrote with Nicole features a character with a similar ability. I was drawn to the story immediately. Harper was such an interesting character. She was miserable with her life, super bummed out, and Robbie only bummed her out more. I found both of them so relatable with their grim views of life.
One day, everything changes for Harper. As she’s driving, a girl runs into the street following her dog who escaped from their leash. Chloe is a bubbly, happy, lovely person, and there’s an instant connection. Except, her number is 16, meaning she will die before the end of the summer. Harper tries to keep her distance, but Chloe is determined to be in her life. The two of them openly admit they like each other as more than friends, but Harper refuses to let anything happen between them to prevent getting hurt. But of course, things are never that easy.
Harper and Chloe spend the summer together, every day growing closer. And Harper leans to see the world with different eyes. She realizes her entire life she’s seen her life in black and white, but Chloe is allowing her to see it in color. I get where the title ties in, but I feel like it can be easily misinterpreted.
Colorblind is a stunning novel. I loved the ups and down. I loved the way Harper and Chloe connected despite being so different. I liked how well they complemented each other. This is a memorable story that I will remember for a long time.
“Mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.”
Marcus Parks, who is the genius mind behind The Last Podcast on the Left has said this time and time again. Marcus, like me, is bipolar. It’s something he has to deal with for the rest of his life. It’s something he takes very seriously. And lately, thinking about him and that quote has kept me a bit sane.
I had a really terrible psychiatrist appointment this week. It made me feel like a piece of shit. Like a literal piece of crap that someone just dumped in the nastiest toilet. It made me feel like I was completely worthless. And I’m not even in my depressive mood at the moment.
You see, my psychiatrist’s answer to me asking if what I was feeling was normal was: I don’t know. She said I don’t know so many times that I just eventually shut up. That was the only answer she had for me. Am I really that insane? I don’t know. Is there something seriously wrong with me? I don’t know. Is this normal? I don’t know. Am I gonna be okay? I don’t know. Is my new dose gonna help me? I don’t know.
She didn’t know.
I get that my psychiatrist is human. And humans are not all-knowing. But you have no idea how detrimental it is to hear from your health care professional that there are no certainties. That there is no sympathy for your troubles. That there is nothing good in your future.
I walked out of that office feeling ashamed. I’ve never felt that ashamed to be alive, to take up a space on this earth, to inhale oxygen that could be used on a better, worthier person.
I have kept that feeling bottled up inside me. Why? Because my psychiatrist’s numerous I don’t knows have pushed me so far down that I don’t think anyone in my life actually wants to hear from me. I should not burden anyone with these pitiful concerns because I am not important. I do not matter to anyone. I am not the most important person in anyone’s life. Not even close. So I must deal with this on my own.
This has led me to make the decision to quit going to see my psychiatrist. And therefore, to quit my medication. I haven’t yet. You know why? Because of that Marcus Parks quote. Because I can’t get his voice out of my head. Telling me my mental illness is not my fault, but it is my responsibility.
I really hate this burden, though.
I want nothing more than to quit my meds, and succumb to the fucking mess that my brain will create. Whether that is a deep depression that leads to self-harm, or a manic episode that drives me to do things I will forever regret. I don’t care. I’ll take it. I’ll take it all over going back to hear her I don’t knows.
It is my responsibility. I know that. But I want so bad to shut up that voice. I want to let go. I want to go fucking nuts. I’m already halfway there. I’d rather take my chances.
But what if something happens? Quitting anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers cold turkey and just going out into society sounds kind of dangerous to said society. God knows what I’ll end up doing.
I don’t want to hurt myself, or anyone else. At least not now.
But I also can’t go back to hear I don’t know again and again and again.
I can’t keep doing this. I want to give this responsibility to someone else. I don’t want it to fall on me anymore.
I’ve always been a fan of re-watching and re-reading stories. Whether that’d be a show, movie, or a book, my favorite thing has always been revisiting those stories I loved so much. When something impacts me, I tend to take comfort in the familiarity of it, trying to find the joy it once gave me.
Lately, though, I’ve found myself stuck on the same three things. Things that I loved, like, ten years ago. And I don’t know why. I don’t know why I have found myself so drawn to these things from my past.
The first one is The Office, of course. I’ve talked about The Office a lot because it’s my ultimate favorite show. I’ve seen the first seven seasons more times than I can count. I love everything about it, especially Michael and Pam.
After all of my re-watches, I’ve come to dislike many of the characters. Maybe because the show isn’t meant to be re-watched this much, or maybe because the characters weren’t always that great. But come on, Jim is so annoying. Own up to your damn feelings, man. And be nicer to Pam when you’re married to her. Don’t be an ass. The woman is a fucking gem.
And don’t even get me started on Michael. That guy is a sweetheart. I know that he often comes off as a childish idiot who fully believes in harmful stereotypes and doesn’t know what maturity looks like. I know that. But he’s so damn relatable. I don’t know if I’ve ever related more to a character. I know it doesn’t make me look good, but it’s the truth. And if you think you’re better than Michael Scott, I’ve got news for you: You’re not.
Anyway, the point is, The Office still plays a huge part of my life. This is a show that I started watching back in 2012 or so. I’m dreading the day Netflix takes it off because I will be forced to purchase it digitally so I can keep re-watching it at work. Because that’s how much I rely on this show for comfort.
Next, we have Supernatural. Another show from back in 2012. Lately, I’ve spent days re-watching Supernatural. Only the older seasons, though. I stopped watching around season nine because it was just too much to continue with it. I think now that the show is coming to an end, on it’s 15th season, I’m starting to miss it. And it’s strange because I spend most of my free time reading Supernatural fanfiction. But it’s just not the same as re-watching the episodes that made me love the show.
When I decided to stop watching Supernatural, I thought I would never want to come back and re-watch the seasons that made me so crazy over the show that I attended four conventions. And let me tell you, those things are not cheap. Coming back to this show has felt like coming home. It’s like I never left. It’s like Sam, Dean, and Cas have been waiting for me to revisit them, so they can entertain me like they always have.
People tend to think Castiel is my favorite character because Misha Collins is my favorite celebrity, and because I have a huge thing for angels. But as much as I love Cas, Dean has always been my absolute favorite. Dean is stubborn and terribly flawed with some serious daddy issues and a repressed sexuality, but I love him with all my heart. I have never loved a character as much as I love Dean. There’s just something so beautiful about him.
This is leading to my final obsession: Point Pleasant. When I say Point Pleasant, I mean both the town in West Virginia, and the book that led me to road trip to the town last year.
I don’t know why I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Point Pleasant lately. It’s been stuck in my head like an overplayed radio song. This is the book I’ve re-read the most. At least ten times. It’s the book that has touched me like no other book has. Others have come close, sure, but nothing has surpassed this story.
Point Pleasant is such a lovely small town. It’s filled with rich history and people that are proud to belong to that town. Being there felt like stepping into my favorite book. And there’s no better feeling than revisiting this book. I love the Mothman.
All of these things are so important to me. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to let them go. I don’t think I want to let them go. I think I want to keep the familiarity of old things. I want to keep that comfort. I want them to make me feel safe. Because change is inevitable. My life has changed so much in the past ten years. I’ve lost loved ones. I’ve lost friends. I’ve graduated from high school and two different colleges. I’ve had crushes and I’ve had heartbreak. I’ve had car wrecks. I’ve had injuries. I’ve been hurt, and I’ve hurt others. I’ve gotten sick. I’ve healed. I’ve created. I’ve been to new places.
With change, new things are introduced to me. New things I love, and new things I hate. But returning to things I’m so used to always feels so good. I know that no matter what changes, these stories will never change. They will always be the same stories. Always. I might see the differently, with a new perspective. But the stories will never change.
To me, these stories are my home. Home has never really been a place for me. It’s been a feeling. A feeling I get when I’m around the right people, or when I revisit old stories. Home is where I feel safe. And sometimes, that means being far from reality.
This book blew my mind. It was amazing. The enemies to lovers romance was so well done. The alternate universe in which the US had a female president and her son is openly bisexual made my gay heart very happy. It was my favorite read of the year.
Pumpkinheads by Rainbow Rowell
I loved this. Rainbow Rowell is so good at friends to lovers romance and this one didn’t disappoint. I loved the fall themes because fall is my favorite season. And I loved the rep of the pansexual/bisexual main character.
My Brother’s Husband vol 2 by Gengoroh Tagame
A great ending to this beautiful manga. It was bittersweet but I really enjoyed it.
The Prince and the Dressmaker by Jen Wang
Such an incredible graphic novel. I loved that it was told like a fairy tale. It was so beautiful and poetic and became an instant favorite.
An Absolutely Remarkable Thing by Hank Green
I loved this book so much. I wasn’t expecting it cause it’s about giant robots and I am not into that at all but I was very much into this book. It had a lot of great themes and awesome characters.
Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Trail by Cheryl Strayed
This book made me cry but it was a good, healing cry. I connected a lot with Cheryl’s struggle in dealing with her mom’s death
The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas
I think this was my first read of 2019, and I truly thought I was starting off the year good. This is such an emotional and funny and extremely well written. Everyone needs to read this book.
An Anonymous Girl by Greer Hendricks & Sarah Pekkanen
This book completely swept me away. I had no idea what was going on, but I was completely hooked on every word.
The Lost Hero and The Son of Neptune by Rick Riordan
I love every book by Rick Riordan, and these books were great for making me feel better about not reading a lot this year.
Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman
This book made me cry, but it was so good I forgive it. It’s all about depression which is a hard subject for me, but its dealt with amazingly. One of the few books I’ve read that shows good therapy rep.
Have you ever wanted to do so many things that you do nothing at all because you’re so overwhelmed with life in general?
I’m bipolar. Sometimes I believe my diagnosis is real, but most of the time I don’t buy it. But that’s not the point. I used to do things with my life. I used to read a ton of books, one after another. I used to review them on this blog, every week or so. I used to write a lot too. I wrote fiction. So much fiction. I had book ideas, and I worked on them, and then I had completed books that I shared with my friends and family, feeling like an accomplished writer. I used to paint. I used to paint because I needed ANOTHER creative outlet. I had so much in me just spilling out in so many different ways.
But now, at 26, I spent my afternoon (where I have way too much time to waste and have absolutely nothing to fill it with) lying in bed, crying as I watched Dean and Castiel compilation videos that highlight their more profound bond. I have time now. Time that I didn’t have when I was younger and had both work and college filling up every minute of my days. I have time to think, but thinking leads to anxiety–or worse–hating myself and my life and my choices and everything that I am. I hate my free time. I hate it so much.
This isn’t to say I want to fill up my time with things. That isn’t it. When I have a million things to do, I get so stressed that I end up lying in my bed…crying. So, the end result is the same no matter what.
I want to have free time. I want to do nothing. But I wish I wanted to do things. I wish I wanted to be creative again. I wish I could sit and read a book. Even a small book, or a graphic novel, or something–from start to finish. I can start a book, that’s easy. I’ve started so many books this year, but I can’t remember the last time I finished one.
All it takes is one thing. One trigger. And I can’t read the book anymore. It takes very little for me to put down a book and never pick it up again. And when it comes to writing it’s even worse. I can’t write any of the fiction books I’ve planned to write. I just can’t. The only reason I’m writing this now is because I got really tired of crying in my bed and I just wanted to organize my thoughts.
I don’t really know if I’m making any sense. All I know is that whatever is blocking my creativity, or that part of me that liked being in my brain, I fucking hate it. I hate being so scared to be with my own thoughts that all I ever want to do is watch The Office on Netflix for the hundredth time, and I’m low-balling it with that number. Even at work, I’m listening to The Office on my cell phone because otherwise I’ll have to be in my head, where there isn’t anything good. Nothing good lives in my brain. Absolutely nothing. So I’d rather numb myself.
I just want to hear from people who are going through the same thing. I want to know I’m not the only one out there who can’t do the things I could do because my brain fucking sucks. I want to know that I won’t live the rest of my life numbing myself with bits of comfort here and there.