The Solutions to Never Having to Drive Again

Solution #1
Pack up your bags and move to Chicago. Yes, you’ll need to find a new, high-paying job to be able to live decently, and you’ll be away from everyone you know, but the public transportation is great, and easily accessible. It’s not such a sacrifice, anyway. Who doesn’t love Chicago style pizza?

Solution #2
Hire your own personal driver. I’m sure if you put a listing on craigslist, you’ll find someone willing. There’s a chance you’ll end up with a serial killer, but there’s risks in everything.

Solution #3
Become a hermit. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t. Give up being an adult–there’s already too many of those. Work from home, or don’t work at all. Do all your shopping online. Find a sucker who will let you live off of them, and you won’t ever need to go outdoors ever again.

Solution #4
Get rid of all commercial vehicles. That seems like a lot of work, but nothing is impossible with enough determination. 

Solution #5
Buy a horse and a carriage. Cars will hate you on the highway, but at least you won’t be in one of them.