Personal, Uncategorized

Getting Through the Rough Times

I’ve heard people say, “This book/movie/show got me through a rough time.” I’ve never understood that saying. I am currently going through a lot of depression myself. A lot. I mean, I sleep all afternoon, I refuse to see my friends or leave my house. I don’t have any energy. I don’t even know how I’m writing this down because writing is the last thing I want to do. I’ve tried reading books, but I can’t get into them. Not even Restore Me, and The Apocalypse of Elena Mendoza, which were two of my most anticipated releases of this year. I can’t read anything. I just can’t.

Same for TV shows. I’ve stopped watching all of my shows. All I do is play The Office (which I’ve seen at least twenty times) in the background as I fall asleep. I don’t want to see any movies. I’m in that state where nothing, absolutely nothing, makes me happy. And thinking back on it, I don’t think I’ve ever had something I can look back to and say “This thing got me through a rough time.” Nothing at all. When I’m down like this, nothing helps. It’s something I have to deal with until it eventually diminishes, or I die.

I just find it interesting to see so many people getting through rough times when they find something they love. I don’t think I’ve loved anything in a long time. So long, in fact, I can’t remember the feeling. I can’t remember what it felt when I was obsessed with Supernatural and all I wanted to do was live within the fandom. I can’t remember the love I felt for Misha Collins, all those times I met him. I can’t remember how it felt to have a crush — on anyone. I feel completely numb.

Recently, I finished Queer Eye on Netflix. The show was beautiful, and it was something I was clinging to for dear life. I spread out the episodes over a week, so I would have something to come back to. I felt myself getting worse, so I needed that lifeline. But as soon as I finished the season, I was gone. There was no bringing me back to the world of the living. I was a zombie, basically. That’s where I am right now. I don’t count Queer Eye as one of the things that got me through a rough time, because it felt more like it threw me into the rough time. I made myself dependent on some show, and when it ended, I felt lost.

I keep wondering, where are these incredible, magical things that can get me through the rough times? Do they even exist? Or are they just another lie?

Advertisements
Writing Playlist

Writing Playlist #4- Mental Health

The Smiths- Asleep

Don’t try to wake me in the morning/’Cause I will be gone/Don’t feel bad for me/I want you to know/Deep in the cell of my heart/I will feel so glad to go

Seether- Plastic Man

Why don’t you let me be/And I’ll pretend I’m well/Cause your too blind to see/And I’m too tired to tell

Sia- Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again/I have been here many times before/Hurt myself again today/And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Blue October- Hate Me

You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take/So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind/And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Fall Out Boy- 7 Minutes in Heaven

The only thing worse than not knowing/Is you thinking I don’t know/I’m just having another episode/I just need a stronger dose

Papa Roach- Scars

My weakness is that I care too much/And my scars remind me that the past is real/I tear my heart open just to feel

Plumb- Cut

I’m tired of feeling so numb/Relief exists I find it when/I am cut

Starset- My Demons

I cannot stop this sickness taking over/It takes control and drags me into nowhere

Saliva- Lost

Endless fight and I am the enemy/Save me from what I’ve become/I’ve awaken but I don’t know how I’m alive

Sia- Chandelier

Party girls don’t get hurt/Can’t feel anything/When will I learn/I push it down, push it down

Marina & the Diamonds- Teen Idle

I wanna drink until I ache/ I wanna make a big mistake/I want blood, guts, and angel cake/I’m gonna puke it anyway

Matchbox 20- Unwell

Hold on/ Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown/And I don’t know why/But I’m not crazy

Gorilla Zoe- Lost

I’m losing my mind/Losing control of the wheel/And I’m serving/On and off the road

Green Day- Basket Case

Sometimes I give myself the creeps/Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me/It all keeps adding up/I think I’m cracking up

Three Days Grace- Never Too Late

Even if I say/It’ll be alright/Still I hear you say/You want to end your life