Personal, Uncategorized

Getting Through the Rough Times

I’ve heard people say, “This book/movie/show got me through a rough time.” I’ve never understood that saying. I am currently going through a lot of depression myself. A lot. I mean, I sleep all afternoon, I refuse to see my friends or leave my house. I don’t have any energy. I don’t even know how I’m writing this down because writing is the last thing I want to do. I’ve tried reading books, but I can’t get into them. Not even Restore Me, and The Apocalypse of Elena Mendoza, which were two of my most anticipated releases of this year. I can’t read anything. I just can’t.

Same for TV shows. I’ve stopped watching all of my shows. All I do is play The Office (which I’ve seen at least twenty times) in the background as I fall asleep. I don’t want to see any movies. I’m in that state where nothing, absolutely nothing, makes me happy. And thinking back on it, I don’t think I’ve ever had something I can look back to and say “This thing got me through a rough time.” Nothing at all. When I’m down like this, nothing helps. It’s something I have to deal with until it eventually diminishes, or I die.

I just find it interesting to see so many people getting through rough times when they find something they love. I don’t think I’ve loved anything in a long time. So long, in fact, I can’t remember the feeling. I can’t remember what it felt when I was obsessed with Supernatural and all I wanted to do was live within the fandom. I can’t remember the love I felt for Misha Collins, all those times I met him. I can’t remember how it felt to have a crush — on anyone. I feel completely numb.

Recently, I finished Queer Eye on Netflix. The show was beautiful, and it was something I was clinging to for dear life. I spread out the episodes over a week, so I would have something to come back to. I felt myself getting worse, so I needed that lifeline. But as soon as I finished the season, I was gone. There was no bringing me back to the world of the living. I was a zombie, basically. That’s where I am right now. I don’t count Queer Eye as one of the things that got me through a rough time, because it felt more like it threw me into the rough time. I made myself dependent on some show, and when it ended, I felt lost.

I keep wondering, where are these incredible, magical things that can get me through the rough times? Do they even exist? Or are they just another lie?

Writing Playlist

Writing Playlist #4- Mental Health

The Smiths- Asleep

Don’t try to wake me in the morning/’Cause I will be gone/Don’t feel bad for me/I want you to know/Deep in the cell of my heart/I will feel so glad to go

Seether- Plastic Man

Why don’t you let me be/And I’ll pretend I’m well/Cause your too blind to see/And I’m too tired to tell

Sia- Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again/I have been here many times before/Hurt myself again today/And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Blue October- Hate Me

You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take/So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind/And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Fall Out Boy- 7 Minutes in Heaven

The only thing worse than not knowing/Is you thinking I don’t know/I’m just having another episode/I just need a stronger dose

Papa Roach- Scars

My weakness is that I care too much/And my scars remind me that the past is real/I tear my heart open just to feel

Plumb- Cut

I’m tired of feeling so numb/Relief exists I find it when/I am cut

Starset- My Demons

I cannot stop this sickness taking over/It takes control and drags me into nowhere

Saliva- Lost

Endless fight and I am the enemy/Save me from what I’ve become/I’ve awaken but I don’t know how I’m alive

Sia- Chandelier

Party girls don’t get hurt/Can’t feel anything/When will I learn/I push it down, push it down

Marina & the Diamonds- Teen Idle

I wanna drink until I ache/ I wanna make a big mistake/I want blood, guts, and angel cake/I’m gonna puke it anyway

Matchbox 20- Unwell

Hold on/ Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown/And I don’t know why/But I’m not crazy

Gorilla Zoe- Lost

I’m losing my mind/Losing control of the wheel/And I’m serving/On and off the road

Green Day- Basket Case

Sometimes I give myself the creeps/Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me/It all keeps adding up/I think I’m cracking up

Three Days Grace- Never Too Late

Even if I say/It’ll be alright/Still I hear you say/You want to end your life